Yorkshire Dales - March 2023 - The Simonstone Hall Hotel debacle

We've been looking forward to getting away in Nessa now that she's supposedly fully back on the road.

Louise managed a few days in Morocco last week. Meanwhile I got Nessa back from van man. Only to find, sadly, her shower taps had also blown in the ice, and still need repair.

The weather is really wet and miserable, and the new diesel heater is running in and still smells of diesel. The thoughts of wet dog, diesel, damp clothes and lack of shower conspire to make me reach for AirBnB.

Reluctantly we decide to wait a while for Nessa's first run out of the year.

Undeterred we have headed for the Dales by car. We had stopped in Sedburgh on the way to Scotland last year and loved the countryside. This time, after discussion with those who know these things, we are heading for Herriot country. Well, Wallace and Grommet country it turns out. Our cottage is just outside Hawes, home of the Wensleydale creamery. The countryside is beautiful. The weather today has been kinder.

Yesterday we drove from home to Ripon to get our first taste of a Yorkshire city. The cathedral is impressive and the market square pretty much exactly what we expected.

Then on to Simonstone near Hawes where our AirBnB rental cottage is.

We walked out in a circular loop towards Askrigg the original town used in the All Creatures Great and Small series. (Points for remembering the town was known as Darrowby in the 1970-80's series). And on from there towards Hawes and back up to Simonstone Hall Hotel. A luxury hotel some 50 meters from our cottage. Landing on our feet again, it turned out that they have an attractive bar, open to the great unwashed.

Louise was in good mood when we arrived at Simonstone Hall Hotel. At least so it appeared. To everyone around and myself included, she was happy, contented one might even say.

We were there for a drink. We had fish pie waiting back at the cottage. The smiling and delightful waiter asked if we would like to see the menu. Of course, yes, we would. We may pop back later in the week. So it would be useful to have a look.

The menu offered three courses of delightful local fare. There were no prices. The waiter was summoned, if we were eating, how much would it be? He told us that the starters were £5-8, mains £35 and puddings similar to starters. I was just about happy with that, the menu had some delightful offerings and it seemed about right for an upmarket hotel.

It occurred to me I may have missed the point as Louise gently ribbed the waiter for not displaying the prices. He felt, like me that it was all very light hearted. How wrong could we be?

The evening passed uneventfully. At 2am I was awoken. Guess what? she asked. No, sorry I can't. (Not daring to use the normal quip about waking me in the middle of the night to ravage my body. There was a look about her that seemed to indicate otherwise). I'm just composing an email to the hotel.... blissfully I cant remember anything else till morning. I may have nodded off.

I was woken with a cup of tea and an unusual conversation:

Finished.

What?

I told you, my email to the hotel. Will you read it before I send it?

Yes of course, my little piranha.

Well here it is. There are many learning points for us all , I think it worth publishing. Not least, for the most accomplished use of that difficult management tool, the shit sandwich:

Hi,

We popped in yesterday after a wet walk and we’re made to feel welcome.

We asked a passing waiter if we could see the menu.

The food sounded absolutely delicious but I was surprised to see that there were no prices on the menu. I asked a waiter why this was so and he said “ we don’t show the prices but if you need to know then a main is about …..”

I then wondered what else we would buy that we don’t know the price of first; and honestly couldn’t think of anything. I think by law you have the show the price so the consumer knows what they are spending.

Anyway, my point is not one of law, it is that I thought the priceless menu was elitist and snooty . “ If madam needs to ask the price , then madam cannot afford it!!”

I’m sure this is not the image you would want to portray as everything else about our experience there was great. My gin and tonic delicious , bar staff friendly and dog menu a great touch.

We are coming back for a meal so you haven’t put us off , just thought I’d share my thoughts!

Yours truly

God I love this woman. "Elitist and snooty", here at Simonstone Hall, with our reputation? Where they actually have a dog menu that offers a Paw Star Martini?

The manor that boasts amongst its finest stories the fact that this was the exact spot that Jeremy Clarkson chinned his producer in an ungodly BBC brawl.

So I may be sailing too close to the wind for my own safety, but they are clearly no strangers to a touch of mid life madness.

Louise was chuffed to receive a reply, acknowledging and attempting both an explanation and an apology. Along with the reassurance that they had reprinted all menus and madam could rest assured that such a travesty could never happen again.

Phew.

Well I say Phew, cos we went back two nights later. The manager had called us earlier in the day to check that we hadn't booked into such and elitist and snooty place by accident. Apologies, My embellishment. But she did ask if we had any allergies? I presumed immediately she meant for example, to waiters phlegm or chefs faeces? But in fact she simply meant nuts or shell fish.

The food was passable. Don't rush there. It certainly wasn't at the level where you would be happy to pay no matter what the cost. Equally, you would be hard pushed to justify punching the producer if he forced you to eat it.

But guess what, the menu we were given, not a word of a lie. No prices.